26 ELUL 5780 - September 15, 2020

I AM JEWISH: YANA HOTTER 

I am…a Jew…I am a woman….I am a mother….I am a citizen of this world, and I am Jewish.   But, first & foremost, I always am & will be a Jew.    Can’t shake it off, denounce it, erase it, negate it, or decide to NOT be one.   

I was born a Jew, called a Jew (more times than I care to recall), called a Dirty Jew (again, more times than one can sustain without mental anguish).    I am careful to say that I am a Jew…and I am Jewish.  Reason is beyond me, and beyond any standard explanation.    In the prime of my teenage hood, my family & I arrived in the US, happily ready to assume roles of immigrants/refugees/to be assimilated soon Americans.   Instead, my role was engulfed in what transpired to be a journey into Judaism, Jewish identity, the tribe.    No longer was my identity defined by the column in the passport (a Jew!).   No, now this identity was thinly veiled in a new shroud of centuries old teachings, and mysterious traditions, ranging from bizarre to mundane.    As a Jew in the USSR, my role was to ward off evil of hatred from Russians, Ukrainians, etc.   As a Jew in the US, my role was to welcome the Judaism into my life, as strange as it felt.    No teenager is ready to take on such a role, and I certainly was no exception.   

Fast forward to 2004, when our firstborn made her appearance.   The role of Judaism all of a sudden swallowed all that preceded, and encompassed my being.   I wanted for the next generation not to question Jew vs. Jewish.   I wanted for it to be a transparent bridge, never broken, always intact.   What one plans is never what one ends up with (sounds like a Kaballah statement:).    Along the way my kids have realized that I am still a Jew, first & foremost.    My Judaism is still at bay, always lurking, but never at forefront.    I know more about Jewish traditions, and proud of it.    As I capture moments of Jewish life, every single day, that knowledge increases.    

Can’t hide your identity, and I, of all people, could never filter out that fact.    So, history repeats itself:   my children are Jews.   They can’t shake it off, negate it, erase it or denounce it.    However, their Judaism is a thinly veiled shroud, ready to be materialized into a true existence, if and when they are ready for it.   Being Jewish is a choice that I hope they will make one day, knowing that they are Jews, no matter what.   But, Jewish or not, my children know exactly the preciousness of the Jewish people, their dependence on Judaism for survival, and their fragility in the world where we are SUCH a minuscule portion of the total picture.   

 

It is tradition to read Psalm 27 every day during Elul.  

PSALM 27

God is my light and my refuge secure - whom shall I fear?

God is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?

When those who act with malice would devour me with words,

it is they who stumble, they who fall.

If an army were to take up arms against me, my heart would not fear.

If war were waged against me, still I would trust.

Just one thing I have asked of God; only this do I seek:

to dwell in God’s house all the days of my life,

to behold divine sweetness and beauty, and to gaze in delight at God’s Temple.

God shelters me in times of hardship, shields me in a tent of divine protection,

raises me high on a rock - so that now my head rises above enemies around me. 

Let me make offerings in that tent - the offerings of a joyful cry.

Let me sing hymns, and celebrate the One who is eternal - Adonai.

Hear my voice when I call; God, answer me with grace.

My heart spoke for you - it said, “Seek My face.” Your face, Adonai, I will seek.

Do not hide your face from me, nor angrily turn away Your faithful one -

the one You have sustained. My God-of-rescue, do not desert me!

When my father and mother have gone, God will gather me in.

Teach me your way, Adonai; and guide me on a straight path,

because of those who lie in wait for me.

Do not hand me over to the will of foes who rose against me -

lying witnesses and those whose very breath is violence.

If only I could believe that I will see God’s goodness

in the land of the living. . .

Wait for Adonai

Be strong of heart, and be bold -- but wait for Adonai.

It is also tradition to hear the sound of the shofar each day during Elul.  It is a wake up call to prepare for the upcoming holy days. 

UHCSTL · Shofar 1